Earlier this year, I was hoping to get through more books to read. I tried reading a chapter of Haught’s book and Stanton’s book each day prior to reviewing them. Long story short, it burned me out far more than I expected. I had assumed the burn out I was feeling would go away, but even at this point, it has not. I really regret having forced myself to read through both and I still have such a huge backlog collection of books that I stockpiled on due to Amazon sales earlier this year. I just can’t seem to find any interest in reading my stockpile of books. I’ve been playing Scarlet Nexus and trying to work on writing instead. Key word is trying. Coming up with ideas is so hard and I end-up feeling so lazy and stupid with how much time I’ve wasted on not simply typing ideas down. I tried distracting myself with applications to jobs, but I ended-up embarrassing myself and feeling like an ass and I still feel bad after profusely apologizing. I guess I shouldn’t let it bother me too much. They didn’t seem all that upset by my idiotic behavior. I’m now listening to the scandal involving Theranos and Elizabeth Holmes and I worry it is solely to feel better about my own shortcomings in life.
I feel as if I’ll simultaneously never be doing enough and feeling exhausted at the prospect that all my efforts are wasted anyway. It’s like a constant, vicious cycle that I see no end to. I feel as if my concentration for things has also fallen apart and as if I keep trying and never get anywhere. None of this probably makes sense to any outside observer just reading this. I tried reading Brandon Sanderson’s Warbreaker to distract myself, but wow was that book a colossal disappointment. I don’t understand how someone who feels squeamish towards sexual content and his readers who often try to defend this can ignore the clear sexual context of the entire first 7 chapters of Warbreaker, but which is given a fake out that shows immaturity in Sanderson’s writing. I don’t understand the point of claiming they won’t focus on sexual content, but then make conflicts that have explicit sexual overtones attached, and then just provide fake outs or drop the conflict. It’s such a disservice to readers and I just don’t have an interest in reading such immature drivel any further. I don’t even mean to sound harsh, but I don’t understand how the fuck people can harp about his worldbuilding and plot, when that is the quality of his writing. All of that “Show, don’t tell”, “good prose”, and other arguments in his online classes and among his fans is absolutely worthless and Brandon Sanderson’s own writing proves it. I honestly don’t get it. It seems like a mini-cult built on a parasocial relationship and maybe it’s his prolific nature that gives fantasy readers something to read while they wait for – in their minds – true quality works that never seem to arrive like Patrick Rothfuss and GRRM’s next books.
I feel as if I can never get specific blog posts I’ve been meaning to write out and posted. I’m just so tired of trying. I don’t want to try anymore and feel sick of it since it never goes anywhere. Whether it be job hunting, writing, reading, or even playing video games. It all just leads nowhere and I’m sick of it. But alas, none of this makes any sense, I’m sure. It probably just sounds overly whiny and stupid to most readers. As if I’m just trying to justify laziness, when I can’t help it when my mind constantly questions: why bother? Why bother with what, some might ask . . . why bother doing anything? Like, these past few weeks, two hurricanes came to where I live. One missed and hit the State of Connecticut behind us, but the other one suddenly appeared with less than 24 hours warning and flooded my local area. I couldn’t keep my medical appointments in time and had to reschedule and I just feel like this is going to be the constant long-term future at this point. Flooding, trees falling, power outages creating a massive fucking danger when driving once street lights stop working, and add the US government’s general incompetence onto that. $2.3 trillion wasted in failed wars that will balloon to $6.5 trillion by 2050 because the US government took out loans to pay for the current wars and it led to destabilization in Iraq and making the Taliban in Afghanistan stronger than ever with $86 billion in US equipment that’ll probably go to ISIS and possibly Al Qaeda so they can keep trying to kill Americans. And if I bring this up, some subset of dumbass Americans will try to argue these are “pretend” reasons, as if natural disasters and terrorism aren’t real stressors for people. And I just think to myself sometimes . . . why do I bother? The human species could realistically die out in my lifetime. What is the point of doing day-to-day activities, when that possibility hovers over us? The US failed to keep the Coronavirus numbers low because of Florida, Texas, and a few others States with more local outbreaks. Why bother? I just don’t have an answer anymore. Nowadays, doing anything just feels like a farce.