What the fuck did I just read? The set-up of Tobias’s life starts fairly okay, even if Milo simply serves as a convenient plot device to guilt Tobias into joining the tournament and then dies to make the reader feel bad for Tobias further in the book. The set-up is not spectacular, but I’ve seen the same from far more famous and well-respected books, so I think it was okay on the basis that the beginning served its purpose. But… what the fuck was this dialogue? Every muscular man in the tournament constantly talks about either fucking the Savior, or their penis, or making penis jokes. Outside of Tobias and Milo, every male participant regardless of whatever faction they’re part of, behaves like this to a large extent; as if, it is their entire personality. Like, what the fuck am I even reading? What is this? I can hardly focus on anything in the story when the dialogue is this stilted and bad. This definitely felt like “Women writing men” as some reviewers on Youtube argued. The side characters in this story sound so damn boring. What exactly is dark fantasy about any of this? It reads more like a labyrinth adventure story for middle-schoolers who want to giggle at penis jokes. Like, what is this?

Page 43:

Squealing tore from the audience. Wembleton announced the Lords, “Men of culture, class, and striking masculinity,” and the Savants at Tobias’s side groaned with mutual disgust.

“Oh hell, these guys,” Milo scoffed. “The pretty ones. No substance, just coin and cock. What woman wants coin and cock?”

The Jester laughed at the end of the line. “All of them. That’s like asking what man wants wine and tits.”

The Lords began filing from their respective cells. The Noble and the Regal were the first to emerge, and the women in the pews swooned over their strong builds. The Prince was next, followed by the Cavalier, and though each appeared as dashing as his laurel implied, it was the final Lord who stirred the audience into an uproar. The Adonis took to the dais, his body like chiseled marble, and he smiled up at the stands, flipping his golden-brown locks from his face and sending the women into madness.

Milo gasped. “Dear God in the heavens.”

“What?” Tobias said.

“What do you mean what? That man is the embodiment of physical perfection.” Milo let out a defeated sigh. “God, I hope his cock is small. Who am I kidding? It’s probably perfect. I hate him already.”

 

Page 47:

The proctor shuffled down the tunnel and disappeared into the darkness, while the men stood paralyzed, their feet like blocks of lead.

“What a royal cock,” the Jester scoffed.

The group laughed as one, and the slightest calm floated through the tunnel. Slowly, the men sauntered off through the labyrinth, and though not a single part of Tobias wanted to join them, he followed with Milo at his side.

 

Pages 53 – 54:

“Can you believe it?” The Adonis tilted his head beneath a thorn. “That entire ceremony, and not one glance at The Savior. We risk our lives, and nothing.”

“You speak the truth, good man.” The Regal slapped him across the back. “We deserve more than a glance. We deserve a good fuck just for being here.”

The Adonis chuckled. “Oh, you’re foul.”

“At least a firm grip of Her tits.”

“I’m telling you, She’s fat,” the Noble said. “That’s why we didn’t see Her at the ceremony. She’s fat!”

The Adonis furrowed his brow. “She can’t be fat. She’s The Savior.”

“Does The Savior not eat?” The Noble grumbled under his breath, ducking low to dodge a thorn. “Good ole Brontes is keeping Her hidden so none of us would run off before the tournament began.”

The Adonis shook his head. “I don’t buy it for a second.”

“She’s fat. I’d put coin on it.” “Doesn’t matter,” the Regal said. “Fat, skinny, I’ll take Her. She’s The Savior. Imagine your cock in the most divine cunt in the world. The fucking must be incredible.”

“Is that why you’re here? For the fucking?” The Noble laughed. “Is this the only way you can manage to wet your cock?”

“Oh piss off, you know I pull more cunt than you do.”

“You’re all stupid shits.”

 

Page 61

Tobias barely noticed the voice, but only because it was followed by the slow swiveling of heads. One by one, the men turned to stare at the tunnel they had just come from and the two women headed their way.

“Women?” The Adonis glanced at the men beside him. “Are they ours? A reward?”

The women stopped at the head of the sanctuary. Each wore a long hooded cloak, one in black and the other in olive-green, along with a satchel slung across their chests.

“We come as ordered by The Savior,” the woman in black announced. “We’re of Her court. We’re here to assist.”

The Noble snickered. “She can assist my cock.”

 

Page 87:

The voice of The Savior.

“Please be seated.”

The men obeyed, sitting along the bench. The woman had taken a seat alongside Her court, and the men’s gazes danced over Her hair, Her breasts, Her lips, Her breasts, Her eyes, Her breasts.

 

Page 93:

Flynn wore a knowing smirk, one Tobias detested. He turned away, trying to ignore his unwanted comrade.

Voices sounded from the other end of the sanctuary. Delphi was preparing Beau for his visit with The Savior, oiling each muscle while he beamed with pride.

“Look at him.” Flynn gestured Beau’s way. “The cock, sitting there with that stupid, smug grin.”

“Are you jealous?”

“Of course I’m jealous! How can you not be jealous?”

Tobias didn’t answer. He wasn’t jealous, not even a little. In fact, he hadn’t thought of The Savior all day. He bit into his apple and turned away.

 

Page 99:

“Artist,” Flynn said.

Tobias didn’t respond, his body loose in Flynn’s grasp. Flynn shook him, then cupped his cheeks, and when that didn’t work, he slapped Tobias across the face.

“Tobias! What do you need?”

Tobias sucked in a gasping breath. “Ox piss.”

Flynn shouted down the line of men, “Raphael! We need piss!”

The Intellect turned toward him. “Piss?”

“Piss! Get the man some piss!”

 

 

Page 114:

Flynn gestured toward the Brave, a burly man with fair skin burned pink by the sun and a head and beard full of red hair.

“Then there’s Garrick. He’s a soldier of The Savior’s army. Thinks the title gives him an upper hand, since he already serves The Savior. A pretentious cock, that one,” Flynn grumbled. “Last is Altair, that damn Physician.” He laughed, glancing over the man’s golden-brown skin and black ringlets. “No one likes the portly shit. Doesn’t know when to shut up.”

Tobias frowned. “Aren’t you full of kind words. I can only imagine what you’ve thought of me.”

“Reclusive. Cantankerous. Sour.” Flynn flashed a smug smile. “I still think all those things, but I like you anyway.”

 

Page 119:

Saliva pooled in Tobias’s mouth. Slowly, the masked man raised his blade, pressing the cool steel to Tobias’s neck and sending his back shooting straight. He dragged the blade down his chest, his stomach, the length of his thigh, then finally brought it to a halt, positioning it just above Tobias’s knee. “Just breathe.” Orion’s voice interrupted the tension. “It’s but a moment of pain. It’ll pass.” Kaleo laughed. “In death. It’ll pass in death.” “Pay no mind to him,” Zander said. “He’s going to die.” Altair’s eyes widened. “Oh God, and we have to watch⁠—” “Shut the fuck up!” Flynn barked. “God, you stupid cock!”

And this all just the first twenty-five percent of the book, it’ll keep going judging from the Kindle App search results:

One of my main complaints is that the side characters really do not add anything to the world at all. The story is designed in such a way that Tobias is naturally just a reactionary character with no agency after making his decision to join the tournament, but extras are basically dull characters who help Tobias to be friendly or generic villains. I think my biggest complaint would be that Leila and Tobias act more like reacquainted childhood friends from the start than strangers who have just met. The vinegar line didn’t appear to really fit his character when he’s in a tournament and on guard against strangers. Why be at ease with Leila when she accused him of murder during their first real meeting, while proctors for the tournament constantly trick the participants with situations like poisoning them with wine? Why was Tobias sharing his food with Pippa after a situation like that happened? He hardly knows Pippa and he had no way of knowing if future edibles were part of the tournament like the wine was, at that point. I suppose he could rationalize that attendants for the tournament would have the cure, but then why wouldn’t there just be a strict “No eating the participants food” policy to avoid that problem entirely? Tobias doesn’t seem to have anything interesting to say or think about, so the dullness just permeates throughout the story with him just being so reactionary to everything around him.

This may be a personal preference, but there’s no magic for the early part of this book and that makes the tournament even duller. Like, this is a fantasy world, so why didn’t Moreci make these characters have unique skills and abilities to really flesh them out? At best, certain characters assigned to a specific faction have a general awareness and knowledge-base for solving a specific challenge, but they don’t show any unique abilities or talents that separate each other in terms of personal characteristics. It’s fine if Tobias doesn’t have any unique abilities, but what makes any of the male villains truly threatening to Tobias outside of falling into a trap during one of the tournament challenges? Why don’t they have special magic abilities, or special weapons, or special gadgets with technical knowledge on how to use them as a threat to Tobias? And if its wrong to expect such abilities from a collection of cast members in this book, why did they all join the tournament without a plan on how to undertake what they knew would be grueling challenges? The best I can compare this to is the early arcs of Yu Yu Hakusho and Hunter x Hunter, or Part 3 of JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure, everyone in those shows had a unique ability and personality type. It didn’t have to be all of them, of course… but what differentiates Kaleo, the guy who killed Milo, from other muscular and violent types in this story? I hardly remember him outside of passing mentions of Tobias’s hatred over Milo’s death in the early parts of the book, even after Kaleo tried to kill Tobias during the ribbon challenge and he does it all without a motivation outside of maybe a desire for winning the tournament. There’s just nothing about any conflict in this story that intrigues me or truly grabs my attention.

This book is boring as fuck so far and I’m nearing the twenty-five percent mark according to my Kindle e-reader. There’s no real mystery or fantasy elements that make me interested, the dialogue fucking sucks with the immature cock jokes, the characters are all dull and boring so far, and the main character is just reactionary with a very uninspired and forced guilt-trip motivation at best. I feel dumb for having bought Savior’s Sister for 99 cents when it was on sale. A few years after I did, I heard the writing is somehow worse in that book. I think most people’s critiques that Jenna Moreci is an exceptional marketer and Youtube content creator, but not a good writer ended-up being correct judging from the seven chapters I’ve been slogging through. I hate sounding mean, because to her credit… her late 2010s videos were useful for when I had no idea where to start with writing and some of her advertisements like Book Brush ended-up being a very useful means for making book covers at my own time and leisure for less than $200 a year. I use to be a fan of hers all the way back when she published Eve: The Awakening. I do feel bad, but I think if I had reviewed this book back when I first bought it, then my review would have been harsher. This book is honestly just lacking and I can understand how that feels painful, but if its any consolation other indie authors are genuinely having a rougher time because nobody buys their books. Even if Jenna Moreci gets panned, negative reviews actually still generate interest and result in future earnings. I suppose the real question is . . . is it better to have your writing mocked and insulted by a mass audience or for you to never be known at all, because nobody reads your works? Despite the harsh reviews and lengthy critiques on reworks of her poor writing, Jenna Moreci is honestly one of the luckiest authortubers in the US. But most importantly, reading honest feedback that focuses on critiquing the flaws in the writing itself is the best way to learn of one’s faults and improve oneself.

I can understand that it seems quite harsh, but that’s honestly just how it is for creative pursuits and one need only look at the total failure of video game companies who don’t allow for creativity in the writing process with all this sensitivity reading, anti-Free Speech bullcrap. That’s just how it truly is for those who pursue authentic art, because otherwise none of us would ever improve. I do hope I’m not coming across as too harsh though, because I did enjoy her Youtube channel for a few years and I think she’s great at encouraging other writers, her marketing talent is certainly excellent, and the advertisers she works with can often help new writers find affordable methods for issues like making Book Covers which they otherwise might feel lost about or only be able to find more expensive alternatives in getting it done for them. Her talents on helping and encouraging new writers as an authortuber should be seen as separate from her talents as a writer. Unfortunately, one of the mishaps with being both an authortuber and writer is that – because she’s trying to encourage fellow authortubers – she leaves positive reviews for fellow authortubers like iWriterly / Meg LaTorre and that can make people believe she’s intentionally dishonest. I don’t know the relationship between the two, but not giving an honest review is the most harmful thing a friend can do to another friend. You have to trust that they can take criticism or they’ll never be given valuable information needed to improve their work. I had to stop asking close personal friends of mine for their input once I realized they cared more about my feelings than actually helping me improve my writing skills. I only have one trusted friend who always gives me honest feedback for that reason and people like him are very hard to come by; two other friends just smiled and tried to tell me what they thought I wanted to hear. It wasn’t until I brought up criticisms from this one other close friend that I learned the prior two had simply lied to my face, because they thought telling me what I wanted to hear was better than honesty that would have initially disappointed me. In the long-term, honesty is just better for those who value genuine self-improvement. My main problem with this book, and why I’m putting it into the backburner for now, is that there’s no interesting conflict. Tobias Kaya feels more like a chess piece being scuttled across the board and not someone with his own personal values, despite Moreci attempting to make him seem different with his dislike for the tournament that he eventually joins anyway. Perhaps I’m just tired of reading stories where the main motivator is a guilt-trip motivation in an attempt to follow the Hero’s Journey formula. It’s been done so often that it feels forced and dull every time now. For example, Star Wars did it for both Anakin’s turn to the Dark Side and Luke Skywalker leaving his home. We’ve seen it too often in older stories. I suppose in the end . . . the characters – especially the extended cast – are boring, the worldbuilding is shallow, and the plot feels forced. This is just not fun to read so far.