I want to keep writing an outline for a major writing project I’m working on, which always seems to expand with a large number of ideas in my mind. I want to be writing about human rights issues due to feeling like few people understand or care and the fear and ignorance can be used to abuse people who have and continued to be harmed by what is essentially State-Sponsored genocide by the US upon Indigenous people due to the Oliphant vs Suquamish 1978 Supreme Court decision. I want to finish these shorter novels, but can never make meaningful progress. I want to consistently blog, but never have enough time. I want to read, play video games, etc, etc. Obviously, I cannot do everything and I should only concentrate on the most pertinent subjects. Yet, I increasingly feel exhausted and just dwindle time watching K-Dramas late in the days. Hours of free time just fly by and it all feels so fleeting. Soon, I’ll be really old and it doesn’t seem as if I got much done in life.

Ironically, in the process of composing this, I ended-up figuring out my exact issues and reducing my worries, so writing my thoughts as a stream of consciousness does seem to help quite a bit. I had intended to write this progress update first, but I ended-up veering off and writing the blog post from yesterday instead. It really did help calm my growing anxiety over the issues and helped make me realize that I’m probably never going to stop writing about a human rights issue that has bothered me ever since I first learned of it around 2013 – 2015. I still remember my shock and disgust when reading a random Business Insider article which spoke very briefly about how Indigenous people didn’t really have legal rights to sue non-Native rapists if the Indigenous survivor lived in Native American reservations and if the Federal prosecutors didn’t collect evidence or pursue the case. It’s what led me to read the Amnesty International 2007 report, Maze of Injustice and it made me realize that I could never really trust much of anything in the history books that I read in grade school, because those books explicitly stated Native Americans had “more rights” than regular Americans and I recall this making me feel annoyed and even a bit angry, because it wasn’t equal rights. Over time, after learning how Native Americans suffer from sex trafficking, inordinately high number of police shootings at higher rates than Black Americans throughout the 2010s, and violence from registered sex offenders who enter to rape and kill Native Americans while the Federal, State, and local governments didn’t do anything for over forty years since the 1978 Oliphant vs Suquamish Supreme Court decision; I learned the painful truth of how so much of the “history” in Social Studies classes was almost completely set-up with half-truths and – in the case of depicting Native Americans – a complete falsehood. I don’t think I’ll ever forgive the fact that I was getting graded mostly As for doing well in inculcating and perpetuating lies.

On the more productive side of things; ever since getting banned from a discord server for quite possibly the most childish reasons I’ve ever learned of; I’ve since used the free time that I would otherwise have had to read more books. I’ve finished seven in this year so far. I’m not sure how it may sound, but getting banned from the r/megaten discord server for silly reasons was perhaps the best thing to have happened for increasing my productivity. In fact, the previous blog post had actually started as part of this progress update, before I quickly recognized that I had a lot more to share and say, so I made it into its own singular blog post. Prior to that, I managed to finish an important component of the worldbuilding in one of my major projects. Unfortunately, I still cannot decide on which of the side projects that I should complete first and I worry that I may think of yet another idea that I could potentially leave unfinished. I tried thinking of what idea to pursue first, but I just couldn’t think of anything. I feel that I have too many ideas or perhaps not enough persistence with old ideas. As it stands, I’ve just been watching a Japanese TV series “Burn the House Down” on Netflix as a way to kill time. After that, I watched the TV show called “Beef” on Netflix. Apart from that, I’ve mainly watched random Youtube videos for movie trailers or played Nocturne whenever I try to write one of the side projects; I just don’t know why. Perhaps it may be due to worries that I could create annoying plot holes that I criticize other stories for, if I try to write the plot without a thorough outline. I know the stories that I write don’t have to be the greatest, but I don’t want to have half-assed something either, just because it is essentially a starting point and learning experience. I know that’s why editing exists, but I can’t help but worry about totally messing-up a plot point and feeling bad about it after I’ve written and published a story. I try to outgrow perfectionist tendencies, but the more I write, the stronger they seem to become as if almost naturally awakening when I think of writing fantasy stories. And for all my efforts, my works will probably be average and forgettable or too bizarro or “political” for a general audience. But then again, that could just be the doubts filling my mind. I’m not sure anymore. Any type of publishing is always a gamble.

I have plenty of books, TV shows, and films that I could make reviews and post on here; but taking the time to make each individual one that provides significant details and worthwhile value can be exhausting. I suppose it is my perfectionist tendencies acting up again. At the same time, I want to actually be contributing something of value and I also worry it takes time away from writing a fantasy story. Perhaps I’m just feeling guilty of trying to do too much and created a catch-22 of pointless guilt for myself. I suppose I always need to remind myself to take it one step at a time, even when I feel terrible at not updating whenever I’m looking at my stats page. The most difficult part of writing for me; has been sticking to one story and not getting bored of it whenever a new idea comes to mind. My focus on writing has been in disarray due to that and due to constantly writing this one longform project that I told myself that I would do later, but then I keep adding new ideas to it, because it is fun. I really want to get the shorter stories finished as a test-run to analyze my strengths and weaknesses before attempting the longer project, yet I keep doing the opposite of that aim. I’m not sure whether to think of it as a subconscious reaction or perhaps I just get bored more easily from the less in-depth ideas of the shorter stories. I’ll try writing in a shorter timeframe from now on, based upon suggestions I’ve received in my own personal life. If I can’t write just thirty minutes a day or – at the very least – I can’t make time to write for thirty minutes each day, then I really shouldn’t expect to finish any project at all.